Survival

While this does & doesn't have it's place in a "weight loss" blog, I have to share. It's a part of me. Yeah, btw, I'm very "EMO" lately. Thank God for PMS!?

For those who don't know me, while this doesn't sum me up, it tells a lot about me in one sentence. "I am a cancer survivor, five times, 4 different types". Cancer will never BE who I am, but it is and always will be part of what has helped MAKE me.

Knowing my surviving, you will understand my undying love for Lance Armstrong.

I recall the 4th time I was told I had cancer. It was actually the 3rd time for surgery but the 4th cancer as they found lympnodes hiding the nasty shit while they were in there for the thyroid cancer too. I'd been thru it 2x before. You tire of it, in case you don't know. I had 3 kids, an idiot sperm donor that got the title "Father" to them but never knew how to keep up to the title he should have been so proud of, and once again would have zero income. I was alone, had to be the strong one, had to make them all know it was going to be ok. "No big deal" became my outside face. I had already been diagnosed with MS years before the 2nd cancer bout. I call the MS my "in between" battle. Unfortunately it hasn't decided to just leave me alone even though I won't let it win. But I digress. My work was now "angry" at me that I had to leave yet again for cancer. The nerve of me. My boss actually called the day of my surgery, to my room, in Pittsburgh (2 hours from where I live) to ask me about something at work & ask me when I'd be back. (Boy I bet I gave him one hell of an answer because I was still out of it from the anesthesia!)

I remember the day I went to the hospital, after wearing my strong face for the family, hugging kids, parents, telling the it would all be ok, I'd be fine, it was no big deal... I broke down. I remember stopping, and truly wondering if I wanted to do this, thought long, thought hard... did I want to ask God for what I was about to ask? Would he know if I truly meant it in my heart or was just feeling sorry for myself. My mind kept the words moving "God, just take me. I can't do it again. I just can't. Please make sure my kids are okay, know I loved them, but please God just take me. I can't do it.... I can't do it."

The next part people will probably think I'm crazy, lying, insane or a mixture of the three.. but it's the truth.

Lance Armstrong had created the Livestrong Foundation, what seemed like just recently then. It could have been longer, but I recall the craze of everyone wearing the "yellow" bracelets as a "trend" because all the celebs did it, it was so cool. My family wore them because after looking high and low & finally finding enough for each of us, we had a reason. We KNEW why he made them. It wasn't a fashion trend. If he wanted a fashion trend he could have designed the newest look in cycling clothing, t-shirts or work out gear. Lance created those bracelets to bring cancer to the front lines, so WE could shoot it down. Every person who ever experienced cancer in any way, shape or form knew this. It wasn't a fashion statement, it was a statement of Lance Armstrong's strength, faith & desire to beat the odds.

I laid there that moment and oddly enough his image popped into my head. I recalled the moment he stood, after winning "The Tour de France" yet again, only this time after being told he'd be dead instead. AFTER cancer.

I realized, THIS was the person I was supposed to be. If he could do it, what the hell right did I have to sit here and feel sorry for myself & ask God to give me the easy way out? NONE!

I remember just before I "went out" I spoke to God. I hoped he heard me because I screamed it in my head "GOD! GOD?! I want you to know, I DESERVE to make it, to beat it and my kids DESERVE to have me. Don't you take me GOD, I'm not finished here yet." Then I remember meekly saying in my mind "Ok?". As I went to sleep to be operated on once again I remember them wiping a tear from my cheek & telling me it was all ok. I smiled and said "I know".


I've NEVER written about my cancer. Oh sure, in blurbs, clips, quick responses. But I've NEVER poured it all out there. Even my kids have no clue what the last bouts were all about in my heart. I watched this video of Lance Armstrong today (embedded above), and it was all kewl until the pics of the cancer images & his x-rays came up. At that point I lost it, I cried like a baby. Yeah, "EMO", but also because I realized WHY he is so very much my hero. Say what you want about him. A lot of people love to hate him. Of course they do, he's not only a survivor but a leader. A lot of people can't stand to see that. It makes those who are weak realize how weak they are. A lot of people say he's "arrogant" or "mean". Hell yeah he is. You ever fight cancer? You don't do it by being nice to it. You beat the shit out of it & toss it to the curb for a proper stomping.

While I may never be as strong as Lance Armstrong, I hope that some day... when the Good Lord does take us all & we all meet in heaven.... I get my chance to stand next to him. To smile at him and tell him what an inspiration he was to me. How much of a difference he's made in my life and in the lives of so many others.

And for those of you out there still hating him..... please don't stop. It's what keeps people like him going. He needs to prove you wrong, just like he needed to prove cancer wrong, just like he continues to prove cancer wrong. Oddly enough the things that try to hurt him the most are the things that make him stronger every day and a true CONQUEROR.

So that's my story. Only been told in 140 characters or less on twitter for the most part before. Never shared with the world, for sure. But now out there for everyone to see. I've never been ashamed to tell it, but always been scared. Because you see, every time I say I'm cancer free that bastard comes back. Every time I say I've beat it once again, it takes me for another battle. And all I can say is, if it does... if it rears its ugly head again... I will have this video to watch... to inspire me... to make me know I can do it.

Thanks Lance for making cancer seem like the weakest link sometimes. And for when it does beat us, it only inspires people like you to step up the battle. You and your entire foundation deserve to not only be recognized but applauded, thanked and dammit if I ever meet ya... kissed one big huge wet one! (I hope there aren't THAT many employees at the foundation... my lips can't take THAT many big wet ones! LOL)

Changing a Lifestyle

It's fairly obvious to anyone who sees a pic of me that I have constantly struggled with weight. The odd part is, I'm not overly "conscious" of my weight as an issue and I am being straight when I say "I am quite beautiful even with the extra bodacious bootie and ta-ta's!". I honestly feel like I'm not only a beautiful woman on the outside but more so on the inside. I don't care what others think, to the most extent, and will never dress or look a certain way to please others.

BUT... I am human. It does bother me that sometimes a man wouldn't even bother to speak to me because he can't see past the weight. It bothers me that others will assume they know the type of person I am, simply because I'm heavy... I must be lazy and do nothing but eat and sit around. In that same sense, it allows me to weed out the close minded people that I'd rather not associate with anyways.

I'm far from perfect but I do think I'm "real". I'm me, plain and simple. I have faults, just as you do. I am human. I am overweight. Until recently I just accepted it as "that's me and always has been".

Enter my decision to change my lifestyle. I'm not going to say "diet". I could care less if I change my lifestyle and don't lose a pound.. .okay, maybe not.. lol.. but what I mean is that I'm doing it for ME. I'm doing it to feel better. I'm doing it because at 45 I've fought cancer 4x and have once again been introduced into the ring to beat it's ass again. I'm doing it because I want to be able to move around like I used to and I know that it's not possible until I do get healthier and lose the weight. The healthier lifestyle will give me benefits, which include a healthier weight, more energy and simply feeling better.

I am following the Weight Watcher's (TM) Plan and I'm seeing a whole new world before my eyes. I'd like to share this journey with you, posting certain recipes I try, sharing ideas about making healthier choices and simply sharing my journey to living longer. I hope you enjoy my blogs and follow them to see the changes in my life. This is truly a journey for me and I know I'm in the right mind to do it, finally.

Tonight's dinner: Oven roasted Cajun turkey breast with red roasted potatoes. A simple yet delicious, gourmet tasting meal created in an oven roasting bag with very few ingredients! THIS is how dining should be!

I love to cook and will share many of my recipes and pictures of my meals. I hope it inspires others to create healthier versions of the foods you love.

So far I've lost weight every week on WW, with the exception of last week when I stayed the same. I kind of "fell of the wagon" a bit, eating a lot of fast food (which I counted in the program so it was a choice I made and perfectly "legal") and my end result was a zero weight loss. That's ok ,it showed me that I AM in charge of my own life and I CAN have anything I want but with certain consequences. Yes, I know.. that's logic for most people, but for me I tend to just ignore the fact that I have options and choices! It's so much easier to grab a fat, greasy burger, fries and drink then to think out and plan a better for me dinner! But not any more!

My weight loss so far is 5.6 lbs. It's not a lot but I truly am happy with it. My end results are that I know I'm in charge and feel so much better. Tomorrow I weigh in again and will have another loss, I'm certain! I love the program and what I feel like on it.

Tomorrow I also start my radiation, which means it's going to be a busy day. BUT... that means I have to plan and be in charge of my life! And that's JUST what I intend to do!

Here's to another great day on program and a lifestyle that just oozes control and happiness!

Hope to see you all back here soon to share more aspects of this journey. Hopefully we can do it together!

Bev

First Time Blogging

In about 24 hours I'll be starting a round of radiation and battling cancer for the 4th time. I haven't said much to others about it, not really for any reason other than I have this verbage I stick to that says..."If you ignore something... it's not there".

Perhaps it's why I love dogs so much, they seem to think along the same lines! "If I can't see you, you can't see me!"

As I was sort of reflecting earlier today I started to wonder what I did to "deserve" this. It's human, a typical reaction when we think life is being unfair. My answer.... perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps what has happened is God is trying to bring me back to life. He seems to think he has to remind me every 4 years or so that life is worth living. Perhaps that's where I am right now?

Perhaps he's reminding my family how special I am to them?

Perhaps... there's not any real REASON at all.

I know one thing.... it's ok to say I'm scared but it's also ok to say I'm not really. Deep down I'm not afraid. I don't have many choices here. I either fight or give up. I choose to fight. It's in my blood.

So for anyone out there not sure what they should do with their life... let me tell you from experience

LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST! EVERY DAY!

........ until next time....
Bev