Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Probably The Worse Day Yet in My Life!

I apologize ahead for the whine fest. I will serve cheese to those who listen! LOL

Simply put, things aren't well for me.

Today was probably one of the worse days of my life. I was re-diagnosed with the cancer about a month ago, this time because I had gone to the ER with trouble breathing and sort of pain or pressure in the chest. Being heavy, my first thought and everyone else's for that matter is the heart. At the ER they found nothing wrong with the heart from the EKG and monitoring they did but they found something "odd" in the xray of the chest. Ended up to be a lump that my doc decided that instead of even doing all the other stuff to be 100% sure, a simple blood test for cancer was high enough for him to say lets just radiate and get it gone! Along with the radiation he decided, just to be on the safe side and rule out heart issues, we'd do some testing.

Today was the 1st two radiations (both at once, within about an hour of each other) and the cardiac tests. He ordered a 'chemical' stress test, which because I can't walk well on my own due to my back/spine, is actually done with chemicals that stress the heart. It only lasts about 5 minutes tops but OMG it was horrible! I thought I had a bomb exploding inside my body! I survived it and moved on to the next test, which was an Eco-Cardio (which is not an EKG but more like an MRI of the heart). At the end of it all, started at 6:30am and was out about 10:30am, they said "Ok, well don't worry if you hear nothing, that just means that things were normal and your doc will get paperwork sent to him and he'll advise you. IF there is anything wrong we will contact your doctor by this afternoon and he will contact you. So hearing nothing is better than hearing something so don't get upset when we don't let you know the results".

I didn't really expect to hear anything as the tests were more "for precaution" than anything and I've never had high cholesterol or any problems.

Low and behold, about 3pm this afternoon I get a call from the doctor. Yeah, that was the one that they said I DIDN'T want! The nurse informed me that I had a blockage in the heart and I would have to have a catheter done thru my leg to the heart to clear the arteries & probably a stint put in.

HELLO?! Um, the tests were "just a precaution"... I went in for cancer radiation!? I just went numb. I swear to GOD.... I cannot take any more! I broke down like I've never broke down in my life. I cried so hard I got sick and I just couldn't grasp it all. You know... I am all my kids have. WTF are they supposed to do if die?! My kids need me! That's my first thoughts, how my kids will get through this and "what if".

I'm still in a fog with it all. Within the next few days I should be going in and getting the procedure done, a week at most. I'm just so beat up I can't think anymore. I sat down and just screamed at God. I know it's not my place, I know others have worse situations, etc. but for GODS sake... how much can one person go through in life and still survive? I was angry, hurt, scared, upset and any other emotion you can imagine.

At this point, 11:36pm I'm just existing and deciding that, like the rest of all I've been handed in my life... I'll trudge on and fight like always. Just how much fight is left in me though? The whole incident today was like being blind sided too. I was there for the radiation and "lump" in the chest and end up diagnosed with a blockage in the heart? I honestly was 99.9% sure that the cardiac tests were, as the doc said, "just as a precaution". WTF!?

I guess all I can do is ask my friends and family to pray. Ask God to guide me and to please keep me here for my kids. They say He never gives you more than you can handle but I feel like He's been kicking me when I'm down lately and no matter what... I know I love Him but I wonder sometimes if HE continues to love me or if I've done something wrong or evil, etc. that he feels I need to pay for? I just don't get it, I really don't.

In my lifetime I've survived cancer 4x already, the 5th being now (and I know it's not a huge deal with this one and I can get through it). I have gone from a decent salary job and nice lifestyle to being a single parent with poverty level income. I've always tried to live my life the way God wants me to and, while I'm far from perfect, I'm a good person at heart with a good outlook and always there to help others. I live at poverty level with my kids, I've been dealt a hand that gave me some very poor health issues. I live with constant and such intent pain that sometimes I wonder how I'll live until tomorrow, but somehow I do. I have 8 herniated discs in my neck and spine, a crumbling spine that can't be operated on. Isn't that ENOUGH for one person?

And then I realize that I have a lot more than many. I have 3 beautiful, healthy kids. I at least have a place to live and clothes on my back. We have food and shelter, something many don't have. I have a family that is very supportive and there for me. I have the ability to learn and love God and have been given a chance to do so in a way that I'm comfortable, at a wonderful church that shows me God's way in a way I can understand and appreciate (with The Haven "christian cafe style"). I have friends that are unbelievable, supportive and full of love for me. Most of my friends I've had for many, many years, some since I was a small child. These friends are something that many never have a chance to experience. So I should suck it up and take my punches... yet this time.. I just wonder WHY?

I'm sorry, didn't mean to just unload. I just wanted to share with you what's been going on. The good point is that #1, the pain I was experiencing around Christmas time is basically gone and I'm living "normal", for me, again. Also, I'm lucky that they caught this unexpected "gift" now,instead of realizing as I lay dead on a slab from a massive heart attack that it was something IF they had caught, could have been "fixed".

So, I'm TRYING... dear Lord I'm trying... to accept it all and deal with it. So, just pray for me. Pray for it all to end well, pray for me to have the strength to keep going.


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